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Aug. 9th, 2016 | 08:11 pm

"How are you feeling, Moxie?"

I'm exhausted. This is week three (I think) of weed withdrawal. It doesn't feel like this train can stop or slow down--it's just going to take as long as it takes.

I have so much other stuff to deal with at the same time. The "drugs and consent" issue seems to have dropped into the background. In the front is gender dysphoria, and how it relates to my parents and my job.

There's other stuff I want to be thinking about... but I'm thinking about this. And I need to find a place to live. None of this has a pause button.

I need to put more things in my life that bring me joy. Like, my day to day life. More things than just podcasts and TV. And maybe this is a reason I should be doing more art. Maybe making art is going to be what I do when I finish writing this. 

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(no subject)

Aug. 5th, 2015 | 02:08 am

I’m looking into starting a chemical dependency program. That might sound concerning, since it is the kind of thing that tends to make one think of a residential facility for people who have completely ruined their lives. There might be a period of inpatient care, but it is more likely to be an outpatient program.

I rely a lot on caffeine and weed to hold down my job. This has been going on almost since I started my job nine years ago. I sometimes try to cut back, but it is difficult for me to handle the withdrawal symptoms while I am at work. The moment my mood takes a turn for the worse, everything around me is aggravating, and I turn back toward my caffeine or weed so that I don’t end up doing something that gets me in trouble.

All this time, some part of me has been kind of okay with this cycle. Now, though, I am trying to recover from PTSD and other issues, and keeping my head together feels like it is requiring accelerating amounts of drug use. I don’t think it is affecting work yet, but it is not sustainable. I already feel like I am spending more money on drugs than I can afford. One of my credit cards recently boosted my limit, and I have been using that to get by. It is not going to last forever, though. Once the card is maxed out, I am going to have a lot more regret for what led me to max it out, and feel like it was a stupid thing to do.

I am now seeing ways that I can learn to cope with my problems without drugs, but there isn’t space in my cycle of work and drugs to make that happen. So, taking time off work seems like the best way to handle this. I have a week of sick time saved up, and if I wanted to use it, I also have a week of vacation time. I would have to apply for medical leave to use the sick time, and that requires having a doctor fill out paperwork saying why I need to go on medical leave. For a while, I was thinking of just sobering up on my own, but my time would be much better spent getting some professional help.

I am not sure when I would be starting this. Taking time off work is usually something you apply for at least two weeks in advance, but they might do it in less time if it's for medical reasons. I'm actually seeing this as being a bit like a vacation for me. Or like being back in school. I'm sure that I will play a lot of Pokemon, at any rate.

I will keep people updated. And, while it's going on, I will probably be posting here a lot.

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We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams

Jun. 9th, 2015 | 11:11 pm

I have felt more inspired than ever to start writing music. I feel like I have discovered the secret to making psychedelic music, and I want to be able to make my own music like that--to communicate with them on a deep level in their souls.

The biggest thing I have noticed is that the percussion has complex rhythms going on underneath. In the case of the arpeggios in trance music, the melodies start to become part of the rhythm as well. It hypnotizes the listener and brings them into the wavelength of the song. Once the listener is there, the song starts to do things that break from the established rhythm, while still being in the same motif. Sometimes it then builds to a more intense rhythm, or it might go rhythm--variation--rhythm--variation intensifies. A good artist, and a good DJ, is able to establish a groove that doesn't get too intense or too boring.

Listening to Simon Posford's early music as Hallucinogen, I could see that Shpongle was probably what he wanted to do all along. Computers were not powerful enough at the time, though. The only way you could get professional quality sound was to hook up a MIDI tracker to high end synthesizers. As computers became more powerful, it became easier for him to make music with digitally sampled, non-synthesized instruments. This is relevant because I wondered at one time whether Simon Posford had stopped making music as Hallucinogen because it was actually what he wanted to do, or if it was just more profitable. But he really is a dude who "gets it."

I have daydreamed before about being a music producer who is so adept with the music stems that I could at least half improvise a performance--maybe start with a song the way that it's written, and progress by drawing in parts from other places. At any rate, this experience has made me more confident that this is an ability I will be able to develop eventually. I just need to, you know, actually start producing music... but I feel much more on track with my life than I did before. And I have found myself being glad I have made the choices in my life that I did that brought all of these psychedelic influences together.

My mood has also generally improved, I think. I feel more functional. And I'm getting close to a sleep schedule that makes sense for my new shift.

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“Eris” - 5 mg adderall, marijuana, four hits of acid, ketamine, nitrous oxide

Jun. 7th, 2015 | 05:16 pm

My intention going into this experience was to engage with some psychological baggage and trauma from earlier in my life. That is not what happened, but I am okay with that—I can do it some other time. The experience I had was one that I was not prepared for, but it was amazing, mind-blowing, and inspirational.
I started out sitting around talking with Alex while I was coming up. Then we smoked some weed and watched Spongebob. After a couple episodes, I decided to put on Yellow Submarine, which was an excellent decision. When it was over, I decided I would take some time to get myself comfortable, relax, and take some time to see where my head was at. I knew I wanted to listen to some psytrance, but the first mix I put on, it didn’t feel good to me. It kind of felt like my brain was being assaulted, and that it was just fucking around with me purely for the sake of fucking around. I decided to switch to a mix of classic goa, and I liked that a whole lot better. The visuals were pretty fascinating, and had something of an erotic charge to them. If I tried to focus my attention on what was going on in my head, I could even “feel” things moving around inside of it.
Then I did a whippet, and everything went bonkers. It was like a psychedelic orgasm in my head that just seemed to go on and on. It felt like something was ripping into my soul, in a fantastic way. It did feel mildly uncomfortable, after it had gone on for a really long time, in a way that made me feel like I had no choice but to submit to its will. When it felt like the peak of it had passed, I found that I had to take some time to catch my breath before I did another whippet. I noticed that my senses seemed to be starting to collide with each other, e.g., it felt like the sound in the room was coming from things that I was touching. I didn’t look at very much, because it felt difficult to have my eyes open to look at anything at all. When I did, it felt easier to have one eye open than to have both eyes open. (I have had a very similar experience when using ketamine by itself, though.) When I looked at my computer to adjust music, there seemed to be an appearance like having a lot of fine, watery ripples.
Then I had a thought, that the patent on combining a 5-HT2A agonist with an NMDA antagonist could be something like a practical joke, as if the author were daring someone to try this themselves. In order to enjoy the experience, one would have to be experienced with altered states of mind, especially hallucinogens, and be able to control one’s environment for maximum comfort. Someone who did not have experience with these kinds of things would have an intensely uncomfortable experience, possibly on a very deep and existential level. I started laughing really hard at this, to the point where Alex wasn’t sure if I was crying or laughing. I definitely shed some tears while having this whole experience, but they were only happy tears.
The music was also having a deep influence on the things going on inside my head. I decided that I wanted to visit the Pleiadians while I was having the experience, and boy howdy, I was not disappointed. It felt at times as if the music was surgically opening my head, and then conducting experiments. (One might also think of it as if aliens were doing this to one’s mind.) It felt kind of like a roller coaster, except that I knew that there was no limit to how much the sound would be able to build up intensity inside my head. Next time, I am going to try listening to Hallucinogen. “Shamanix” felt a bit like it was not quite as deep as Pleiadians, but there was also a noticeable drop in my mood around that time, as if one of the drugs I had taken was starting to wear off.
I thought about how I wanted to be able to share this drug experience with Aya, but was not sure how I would be able to make it a good time for her. It feels like it is something more intimate than sex, because you are giving someone unrestricted access to deep, protected parts of your brain. If I was going to guide her through this experience, I would need to focus on what she would enjoy, rather than what I would enjoy. Pleiaidians might be too intense for her, and not what her brain wants. Later in the night, though, I was listening to Desert Dwellers, and it felt both soothing and psychedelic. There are lots of rhythms in the background that feel like a brain massage if you are focusing on them. It made me start thinking of the songs of ayahuasceros, and the way that they are attuned to the ayahuasca experience. My favorite psytrance artists are the ones who are adept at making music attuned to the LSD experience, but as I said before, what they do might be too intense for some people. Fortunately, today, there are many other artists that are making more mellow music that is attuned for psychedelics.
I was starting to think that this combination deserved a name, and the first thing that came to mind was Eris. In Greek mythology, Eris is the goddess of chaos, discord, and confusion. Her most prominent role is the story of the golden apple: Zeus was throwing a party, but didn’t invite Eris. Feeling snubbed, she made a golden apple, and wrote on it “Kalistei” (to the fairest one). Hera, Aphrodite, and Athena all fought over who deserved to have it. Paris was made responsible for judging between them. Each one of them offered him something, and he decided to give it to Aphrodite, who offered him Helen of Troy. And the rest, as they say, is the Iliad.
Many people see chaos and order being opposed to each other. Those who create order are fighting against the forces of chaos, and an imposition of order leads to an escalation of disorder. Discordians sometimes describe the people who think this way as being “Greyfaces.” The Discordian point of view is that both chaos and order are capable of being creative or destructive. When one chooses creation over destruction, one takes an all-encompassing trip of both chaos and order. And depending on who you ask (this is a bit like the philosophy of science) the very basic levels of particle interactions are a kind of ordered chaos. There is definitely a mechanism at work, but it is one that is sometimes impossible to predict with any real certainty. Sometimes a vague outline can be shown (e.g., like with an electron cloud), but nothing more specific than that.
The drug experience I had was in many ways what I imagine the nature of Eris to be like, complete with rainbow geometric patterns. It also happens that in my experience with Eris, she is also the goddess of “be careful what you wish for.” If you think you want something, but it isn’t actually what you need, she will make absolutely sure that you realize how much you don’t need it. If someone heard about this combination without really researching what’s going on and what it’s going to be like, but instead just approached it as an actively escapist happy fun time trip to Disney World, they could possibly walk out of it having a very bad time. It feels far more like a tool than a “party drug.”
I am thinking of recreating the experience tonight, once I’ve done a sufficient amount of adulting. I am trying my best to prove to myself that it isn’t a bad idea, by trying to come up with as many reasons as possible that I shouldn’t. Most of those reasons simply involve doing other shit before I get high. And then I need to check in with myself again to make sure I still want to do it. So, if I am going to wake up for work at a reasonable hour, I should get started on that...
(PS: As another followup experiment, I would like to try listening to some psybass while in the “eudynoia” state.)

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Surprise sex

May. 30th, 2015 | 03:00 pm

A couple things I have been thinking about lately are that, to some extent, group sex is important enough to me that it feels like having it on a somewhat regular basis is necessary for me to feel sexually satisfied. I have also been thinking about how sometimes what I really need in my life is a lot of personal attention, and that it makes me feel like an asshole to ask for that directly, like I am monopolizing my friends' time by asking for that.

Then Aya came over last night, and Benji, and we ended up having some group sex. It felt like it was exactly what I needed. If there was anything I would have changed about the experience, it's that I took drugs beforehand that made it more difficult to come--like Vicodin, and ketamine. If I had known there was going to be group sex, I wouldn't have taken those things. And really, given the chance, I would have fucked Aya all night long. She was going to go hiking today, though, and wanted to get at least some sleep.

Aya prefaced the occasion by saying, "We might never do this again, and I hope that's okay with you." She seemed to enjoy herself enough that I really hope she wants to have sex again, but I am also okay with that not happening.

I'm really going to miss her when she goes to Colorado.

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(no subject)

Feb. 4th, 2015 | 12:47 am

I hung out with Benji tonight, and I am hanging out with Lillian tomorrow night. I had to make myself stop arranging for hanging out with more people this week. My desire to socialize is exceeding my ability to socialize. 

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Unfucking my habits

Oct. 25th, 2014 | 05:13 pm

Writing is hard for me. I have thoughts and ideas that aren't always in the form of words, so trying to communicate them takes additional effort to try to come up with a grammatically correct way to express what I'm thinking. I will sometimes think of the words while out and about in my everyday life, but then when it comes time to sit down and write them out, it turns out they weren't as clear as I thought they were. Or they just don't come to mind.

What I want to start doing is structuring my evenings in 20/10s the way Unfuck Your Habit does--20 minutes of work, followed by 10 minutes of break. It feels like enough break time to do something worthwhile and enjoyable. Maybe that's why Pomodoro timers never really caught on for me--it was something like a four minute break between working.

I was also thinking of making a kind of syllabus for myself, approaching my studying as if I am in school again. That might be closer to the kind of structure that I need to work on some of my personal projects. 

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Chore progress

Aug. 26th, 2014 | 01:02 am

I am starting to think I need to revise my daily schedule, because I think I'm asking too much of myself right now. The goal is to spend less time sucked into the internet, and while I am filling my time with non-internet activities, I am rarely able to check off all the boxes for one day. That doesn't mean I got all super lazy--I just did other things.

Also, to help me think of what to write in my LJ, I am just going to ask myself, "What did you do today?" And I would like to do that right now, but I am tired, and I need to fill out my Q&A a day journal.

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Apr. 30th, 2014 | 01:05 am

When I think about what I want to do with my life, I keep coming back around to creative pursuits. Music, el-wire, painting, lights, VJing... I am not sure if I will pursue all of them, but I definitely need to understand about myself that I can only be happy if I am doing something creative with my life.


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Learning and growing and shit

Apr. 23rd, 2014 | 08:28 pm

I was doing yoga last night, and had an insight about myself that I am really not good at pushing myself to do more. I settle pretty quickly for "good enough," and I will even lower my own expectations. At the time, I had completed half of a sun salutation, and I was about to stop, thinking, "I'm tired, that's enough." But I decided I needed to follow through and finish. I had a very similar thought process when meditating afterward.

I am also finding lately that, if I know what I need to do, or have decided on what to do, I don't have much of a problem doing it. But when things are more open-ended, I have difficulty motivating myself to do anything. So I think that in my drive to get myself on a schedule, I also need to make sure I'm being specific in the tasks I set for myself.

My therapist told me that my two biggest problems in being productive are in motivation, and transitioning between tasks. Knowing that the transition is an obstacle for me is useful information, because it tells me something about how to get myself doing something I know I need to do. A lot of the time, the main reason that I am dragging my feet is that it feels difficult to start doing a new thing, especially if that thing is unfamiliar to me.

Sometimes it feels like I'm putting together a plan to put together a plan. Which only makes sense because I'm learning better how to make a more effective plan for myself.

One thing that could probably help is if I start deciding before I go to bed what I am going to work on when I get up in the morning.

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